haha

funniest man alive...Jim Carrey...gotta love him

Beyonce

i dont know why,but i hate her,seriously.....sorry if you are one of her fans...... :P

All Creatures Great And Small

Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.

Q: What's a porcupine's favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.

Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.

Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.

Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!

A Gaggle Of Ghostly Gags

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is flat?
A: Use a spirit level!

Q: Why are ghosts such poor magicians?
A: You can see right through their tricks!

Q: Where does vampires keep their savings?
A: In the blood bank!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite airline?
A: British Scareways!

Q: What kind of ghosts do they have in hospital?
A: Surgical Spirits!

Q: Who speaks on behalf of the Ghosts Union?
A: Their Spooksperson!

Q: What's a ghost's favourite food?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the love sick vampire?
A: He became a Neck-romancer!

Q: Where do ghosts go on holiday?
A: The Isle of Fright!

Q: What do you call a ghost who haunts the town hall?
A: A night mayor!

Three Wishes

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"

The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

The World's Greatest Idiots

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.

* * *

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

* * *

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

* * *

Did you here about the idiot who won the 'Tour De France'?
He did a lap of Honour!

* * *

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink

The Speedy Snail

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

The Smell Of Fresh Blood

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

The Lonely Forg

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Beyond All Track Records

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Cruising With The Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Even More All Creatures Great And Small

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!

Silly Little Plays On Words

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.

* * *

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

* * *

Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws

* * *

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

* * *

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.

* * *

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."

* * *

Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!

* * *

Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!

* * *

First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.

* * *

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

The Fire Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

The Cristmas Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing:
"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

Ignorance -Paramore-

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me
Well, I guess I'll make my own way
It's a circle, a mean cycle
I can't excite you anymore

Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well, sentence me to another life

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
'Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same

We're the friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend

This is the best thing that could've happened
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it
It's not a war, no, it's not a rapture
I'm just a person but you can't take it

The same tricks that, that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
Well, now I can fend for myself

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
'Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same, oh, we're not the same

Yeah, we used to stick together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend
Ignorance is your new best friend

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go, I best be on my way out

World Behind My Wall -Tokio Hotel-

THEY ARE THE GERMANY BAND...I LOVE THEIR MUSIC...ICH LIEBE TOKIO HOTEL



It's raining today
The blinds are shut
It's always the same
I tried all the games
that they play
But they made me insane

Life on tv
It's random
It means nothing to me
I'm writing down
What I cannot see
Wanna wake up in a dream

Oh
They're telling me
its beautiful
I believe them
but will I ever know
The world behind my wall
Oh
The sun will shine
like never before
One day I will be
ready to go
See the world behind my wall

Trains in the sky
Are travelling
through fragments of time
They're taking me to
parts of my mind
That no one can find

I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to crawl
on my knees to know it all
I'm ready to heal
I'm ready to feel

Oh
They're telling me
it's beautiful
I believe them
but will I ever know
The world behind my wall
Oh
The sun will shine
like never before
One day I will be
ready to go
See the world behind my wall
See the world behind my wall
See the world behind my wall
See the world behind my wall

I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to crawl
on my knees to know it all
I'm ready to heal
I'm ready to feel

Take me there!
Take me there!
Take me there!

Oh
They're telling me
it's beautiful
I believe them
But will i ever know
The world behind my wall

Death Of An Innocent

i went to a party,Mom,i remembered what you said,

you told me not to drink,mom,so i drank soda instead,

i really felt proud inside,mom,the way you said i would,

i didnt drink and drive,mom,even though the others said i should.

i know i did the right thing,mom,i know you are always right,

now the party is finally ending,mom,as everyone is driving out of sight,

as i got into my car,mom,i knew i'd get home in one piece,

because of the way you raised me,so responsible and sweet.

i started to drive away,mom,but as i pulled into the road,

the other car didnt see me,mom,and hit me like a load,

as i lay there on the pavement,mom,i hear the policeman say,

the other guy is drunk,mom,and now im the one who will pay.

im lying here dying,mom,i wish you'd get here soon,

how could this happen to me,mom?my life just burst like a balloon,

there is blood all around me,mom,and most of it is mine,

i hear the medic say,mom,i'll die in a short time.

i just wanted to tell you,mom,i swear i didnt drink,

it was the others,mom,the others didnt think,

he was probably at the same party as i,

the only difference is,he drank and i will die.

why do people drink,mom?it can ruin your whole life,

im feeling sharp pains now,pains just like a knife,

the guy who hit me is walking,mom,and i dint think its fair,

im lying here dying and all he can do is stare.

tell my brother not to cry,mom,tell dady to be brave,

and when i go to heaven,mom,put"Daddy's Girl" on my grave,

someone should have told him,mom,not to drink and drive,

if only they had told him,mom,i would still be alive.

my breath is getting shorter,mom,im becoming very scared,

please dont cry for me,mom,when i needed you,you were always there,

i have one last question,mom,before i say good-bye,

i didnt drink and drive,so why am i the one to die??